Filling the Void

Life without methadone is so hard. Well if I am totally true life without opiates is even worse. We're are not talking about pain, that’s something else entirely. I am talking about the feeling inside. The deep longing for something, a hurt, an emptiness, a longing for something. It is the big gaping hole left behind when you stop using drugs. It’s ugly, deep, and intimidating. You know your drug use filled in the space with anger, fuzzy memories, and lies – but sometimes you wish you could go back. Kind of an unhealthy security blanket. Standing on the edge of the void, hoping I don’t fall in. Hoping I don’t jump in. What in the world do you do to fill it up with the right stuff in your new life?

In drug treatment I learned a lot about my addiction thinking. So many lies to myself and others, so much distortion, so much negativity. When I stepped back and really looked at the way I thought about things, I was amazed.

I did about 3 weeks in detox and I have to say it was easy a real positive mental attitude to come off that green shit. Everything about it was nasty the thought, the taste. It made me sick to my stomach and I can still taste the bloody stuff. Saying that life without it is so very much harder. I am that young child again who fell and hurt his knee then went cry to his mum to make it all better. Really wish she could make it all better again. I really believe that detox starts after you get off your drug. It’s what’s left over after that crutch has gone. Someone should has told me about the hell that is to come.

I am unsure if this is a physical addiction but I am a dependent not a user or so people tell me and it was never my choice to take drugs. A medical addiction, it should be easy for you. You never took heroin what’s the problem. When I try to explain about meth to people nearly everyone thinks heroin first before they think why. This was all given to me by the medical profession that’s what makes it worse. It was with good intention but that’s not helping me now

I was so short sighted when my doctor at the time suggested using methadone as pain killer. Fine I said let's go for it. Every drug I have ever used I have researched, really checked it out. Why did I not do it for methadone?  I think I really screwed myself up. Really bad choice. Out of all the pain medication I have used in my life this by far the worse and I really wish I did not decide to use it.

I live with an uncertain future I have really screwed up so much in my life and I am unsure if I can put it all right.

Copyright © July 2013 Sean Fairbrother

Moving on

Using drugs has done to me & plenty of others  1 thing & 1 thing only, ruined our lives!! Not many of us become a success, but some of us do. I myself am on the hamster wheel trying yet again to conquer my demons. Methadone is now my drug of choice, which just keeps me stable but, keeps me labelled as an addict. So what’s next? Good question, my answer to that is not exactly new but it has new meaning to me right now. I am in the middle of enrolling on a degree in i.t & computing. Enough is enough, time to achieve something other than being a dropout socially. My aim is to be a network administrator as well as maybe moving over into web design. So my next few years will draw on all my abilities. I for 1 know i can do it as taking drugs has made me an excellent planner, quick thinking on my feet , and setting up my own supply lines selling goods to make money, so study should technically be a walk in a park!  I hope that i fulfil my dreams in the near future & move on to living a fruitful life.

Owen G

Autumn Online with Peter: "I want to write a book called 'Hell on Earth'"

My name is Peter Lewis Goldsmith, I am 31 years old, soon I’m gonna be 32.
Today I have spent a few hours learning editing skills and making videos for my children as I am going away to Detox and rehab on Monday for 6 months.
I thought I’d write a book during that time, to share some experiences with you. All the best

What’s the title of the book you want to write?

 ‘Hell on Earth’

I’ve experience life at the bottom, rock bottom. And I’ve experienced life at the top. That’s why I’ve got fire in my belly …I ain’t took drugs for 6 months …life could be really good. You could be happy.

What’s a good life?

Seeing my family all the time, providing for my family.

If my son wants new trainers, if my missus wants a new perfume. That makes a big difference, that’s why people work. If you don’t look after your wife, some other man will look after her.

Me and my wife we’ve been together 5 years…she’s a police officer now. She knows I’m not always going to be in this position. If you don’t go to rehab she said it’s over. It’s worth it. We might be together 40 years, what’s 6 months?

There’s nothing more important than your family. I want my son and my daughter to look up to me. I don’t want them to think their dad lives in a hostel for drug addicts.

Why did you decide to get married?

I got married when I was living in Leeds up north. I married her cause I loved her so much. I asked her to marry me about 2 weeks before she found out she was pregnant.

How did you feel when she told you that?

It was a bit of a relief for me and for her, to know we could have kids.
We were together for 4 years, sleeping together and it became a little bit of a joke, ‘you’re not having a baby, eh?’ It was my first kid. The best day of my life. Then my son was born.  Another best day of my life. Then when I got off methadone.

Do you think the methadone helps?

No, not really, they just replace the drug you were using before with another one.
Giving some 1 Methadone to get off Heroin is like giving someone Heroin to get off Cannabis, the Meth is 20 times worse 20 times more addictive and 20 times harder to get off than Heroin, but hey if the Government do anything that makes any sense, something is probably wrong!!!

Peter Goldsmith 15/09/2012

I’m an ex drug addict and I am now on methadone. My Nan passed away a year ago. I’m missing her so much, she has left a big hole in my heart, the pain is so much, I feel so sad and lonely. I wish I could just end my life. I cut my arms - the pain in my heart is so painful. That’s where all the blood comes in and out of my body and I feel if I cut myself that it would take the pain away. It works for a few days but I wish I did not do it but it makes me feel better. I also got diagnosed with depression and now I’m on antidepressants. I have also had thoughts in my head that aren’t mine - things like I’m fat and ugly, When I look in the mirror I see a fat ugly face staring back at me. It answers back: ‘look at you you fat ugly slag with a spastic face, you’re no good. Why don’t you just kill yourself? No one would miss you, no one would care, no one loves you not even your boyfriend, not any more. People pretend to care but they don’t. So this is why I’m cutting myself and I’m so sad and lonely and feeling like shit. I wish these thoughts would go away but oh no...they are here to stay. 

By Anna Marie Pollen age 37 years old