Drinking has got me into a lot of problems in my life

It started when I used to go out with my ex-girlfriend.  I was drinking quite a bit, normally about six pints when we used to go out, it started getting worst when she saw me with a few black eyes and sometimes being abusive toward her.

It got to the point where she couldn’t take it anymore. This is when I fell off the bus when I was a bit drunk; when she broke up with me this the drinking started getting worst. When I try to get her I was hanging around her and home, about six pints a day; this is when it started getting me to into trouble with the police and having a lot of convictions and being in prision.

It’s caused lot of problems with my family, arguing and being abusive. Drinking has got to the point where I cannot remember previous; I lost a lot of jobs because of drinking – and a lot of money, and getting into debt, and have lost a lot of accommodations.

Drinking has caused some mental health issues, being in and out of hospital, and as a result of this I have to acknowledge what drinking does. I have lost a lot of friends: people don’t really want to know you any more.

The bad thing about drinking is:

1. it causes anxiety.  
2. your perception of life is different.
3. health.
4. become isolated.
5. aggressive behaviour.
6. mixed emotions.

--Anonymous

WE CANNOT AFFORD TO EAT

I get £102.00 a week and most of that goes on bills.  I am left with £7.00 to last me two weeks for food. It has got to the point where I have to go to charities to be able to eat to live. I feel ashamed and humiliated that I have to do this but I have no choice.

 I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and arthritis, and this situation and pressure the government is putting me under is giving me a lot stress and therefore making my illness worse to the point where my doctor has increased my medication.

I have lived in my home for years and it is our family home.  I have a two bedroom maisonette and I am currently paying bedroom tax that brings me into poverty.

My children stay overnight frequently to care for me. I have grand children that stay regularly and furniture that I have built up over years to make it a home and to move would be mentally and emotional torture for me, as I have put a lot of love and memories into my home. All my furniture would be left behind because they would not fit into a one bedroom and I would be Isolated as my family would not be able to stay with me.

The government have taken money from the taxpayers to buy nuclear weapons and new transport which we don’t need. We also paid for Margaret Thatcher’s funeral: who is going to pay for our funerals? I cannot afford to and have spoke to a lot of people who feel the same.  

by Theresa K

I’m an ex drug addict and I am now on methadone. My Nan passed away a year ago. I’m missing her so much, she has left a big hole in my heart, the pain is so much, I feel so sad and lonely. I wish I could just end my life. I cut my arms - the pain in my heart is so painful. That’s where all the blood comes in and out of my body and I feel if I cut myself that it would take the pain away. It works for a few days but I wish I did not do it but it makes me feel better. I also got diagnosed with depression and now I’m on antidepressants. I have also had thoughts in my head that aren’t mine - things like I’m fat and ugly, When I look in the mirror I see a fat ugly face staring back at me. It answers back: ‘look at you you fat ugly slag with a spastic face, you’re no good. Why don’t you just kill yourself? No one would miss you, no one would care, no one loves you not even your boyfriend, not any more. People pretend to care but they don’t. So this is why I’m cutting myself and I’m so sad and lonely and feeling like shit. I wish these thoughts would go away but oh no...they are here to stay. 

By Anna Marie Pollen age 37 years old

A long road travelled

Photo by Bern J. Altman.
Photo taken from http://www.sxc.hu/ 

I was in the army for four years. I was based in Catterick, Durham, Dorset and Germany where my regiment were. The army was one big laugh. It was the best time of my life. I got out before the regiment saw any action. My first time in prison was a week after I came out of the army in 2002 and it’s been non stop since then. I don’t think I’ve had a full year out since then.

I was medically discharged because of my mental health. Since then I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and severe depression. My life’s been a bit messed up. I have had counselling but it doesn’t seem to work. I have only just got my medication and really hope that will change things. I can’t even go out on my own most of the time.

I met my ex partner in 2002 whilst I was still in the army, based in Dorset. We got together after I spent a week’s holiday in Cornwall. Straight after that, everything happened at once; I was discharged from the army and my Mum died of cancer shortly after. I ended up doing a bit of time in prison and then went to live with my ex’s family when I came out. They are like my family.

I started working on the fishing boats in 2003. I was making good money. I stopped when my daughter was born because it wasn’t a safe life when you have got a little girl. It was a hard job to give up because it meant we had to change our lifestyle. I’ve only ever had one trip where we came home with nothing but other times we would get 4 grand.  When I had to give it up, that’s when the crime started. I regret it. I wish I could apologise to everyone and I could give everything back to the people I took it from. Sometimes I think I just want to get my head fixed and get back on the boats.

I separated from my ex partner in 2008 and ended up back in London where I am from originally. I came to SHP in 2011. I want to give London a go because all I know of it has been drugs. I’m living in the best place ever now. I like the cafés on Upper Street. It’s a nice city and I should be proud of where I’m from. Now that I’m not on the drugs I want to see the nice things.

My goal is in five years to become a Drug’s Worker. When I was in prison, I used to have loads of people in my cell saying to me “I’m stressed with this or that”. They would send people in to talk to me. Now I want to put something back into the community.

I speak to my daughter Kelsey on the phone every day. I haven’t seen her since 2008 I plan to go to Cornwall for her birthday. Now I’m back in touch with my daughter I don’t want to go back to jail. Once I’ve seen Kelsey I might not even want to come back to London. I could move down to Penzance where the fishing boats are.


Paul Stedman

Music as a healing power

What makes people love music so much?

“In all the world in all the gin joints you had to walk into mine.” Sam did play it again. Mainly music makes people decide to move to it in accordance as to how they feel.

Music can cost a lot to enjoy, but it’s just a normal part of life, of the system of things. Nothing initiates music but its own starch. Like at the football, songs can be heard by all. It’s part of the system. ‘Knees up mother brown’ and ‘Gee me the ol’ piano’ is decorously in the past. But how does music come about? Nobody in my opinion can resist music. Everybody can love it. So what makes you sing, play, gong, pong etc? 'Love I’m all shook up'. All the songs of the past come from life experience. 'Are your pants on fire'? Setting an example within society as a musical parody is badly missed as a stage. So come on, give us a round of ‘love is a splendid thing’ and then you will know music better than you did before.

I used to be a jazz singer for a group called Jasmine. Singing for them I felt spoilt because I never expected them to take me on really and it was a real treat. I sang in a pub called the Old Dog and Dumpling. There were drums, oboe and sax. It made me feel well. When I am feeling unwell, it’s like a full stop. A straight line of thought is gone.  You don’t realise what is happening or whether you can get up or talk or even speak. My life has been compromised by not coping. But, when I am leading or listening  to the music, it lifts my spirit. It just makes me want to move. It coordinates me between one reality and another. Music gives all realities. It helps me to know where I am.

E.M.