Filling the Void

Life without methadone is so hard. Well if I am totally true life without opiates is even worse. We're are not talking about pain, that’s something else entirely. I am talking about the feeling inside. The deep longing for something, a hurt, an emptiness, a longing for something. It is the big gaping hole left behind when you stop using drugs. It’s ugly, deep, and intimidating. You know your drug use filled in the space with anger, fuzzy memories, and lies – but sometimes you wish you could go back. Kind of an unhealthy security blanket. Standing on the edge of the void, hoping I don’t fall in. Hoping I don’t jump in. What in the world do you do to fill it up with the right stuff in your new life?

In drug treatment I learned a lot about my addiction thinking. So many lies to myself and others, so much distortion, so much negativity. When I stepped back and really looked at the way I thought about things, I was amazed.

I did about 3 weeks in detox and I have to say it was easy a real positive mental attitude to come off that green shit. Everything about it was nasty the thought, the taste. It made me sick to my stomach and I can still taste the bloody stuff. Saying that life without it is so very much harder. I am that young child again who fell and hurt his knee then went cry to his mum to make it all better. Really wish she could make it all better again. I really believe that detox starts after you get off your drug. It’s what’s left over after that crutch has gone. Someone should has told me about the hell that is to come.

I am unsure if this is a physical addiction but I am a dependent not a user or so people tell me and it was never my choice to take drugs. A medical addiction, it should be easy for you. You never took heroin what’s the problem. When I try to explain about meth to people nearly everyone thinks heroin first before they think why. This was all given to me by the medical profession that’s what makes it worse. It was with good intention but that’s not helping me now

I was so short sighted when my doctor at the time suggested using methadone as pain killer. Fine I said let's go for it. Every drug I have ever used I have researched, really checked it out. Why did I not do it for methadone?  I think I really screwed myself up. Really bad choice. Out of all the pain medication I have used in my life this by far the worse and I really wish I did not decide to use it.

I live with an uncertain future I have really screwed up so much in my life and I am unsure if I can put it all right.

Copyright © July 2013 Sean Fairbrother

Drinking has got me into a lot of problems in my life

It started when I used to go out with my ex-girlfriend.  I was drinking quite a bit, normally about six pints when we used to go out, it started getting worst when she saw me with a few black eyes and sometimes being abusive toward her.

It got to the point where she couldn’t take it anymore. This is when I fell off the bus when I was a bit drunk; when she broke up with me this the drinking started getting worst. When I try to get her I was hanging around her and home, about six pints a day; this is when it started getting me to into trouble with the police and having a lot of convictions and being in prision.

It’s caused lot of problems with my family, arguing and being abusive. Drinking has got to the point where I cannot remember previous; I lost a lot of jobs because of drinking – and a lot of money, and getting into debt, and have lost a lot of accommodations.

Drinking has caused some mental health issues, being in and out of hospital, and as a result of this I have to acknowledge what drinking does. I have lost a lot of friends: people don’t really want to know you any more.

The bad thing about drinking is:

1. it causes anxiety.  
2. your perception of life is different.
3. health.
4. become isolated.
5. aggressive behaviour.
6. mixed emotions.

--Anonymous

The strangest thing is saying goodbye

Hello

Before l  continue with my blog l would like to acknowledge my husband’s family. l feel that maybe l have been lost so much in my own grief I have left them behind  and this is not the case. l think of them all of the time and what they have lost, a beautiful brother, an uncle, cousin and friend. I recall the day my husband attended hospital to see his consultant and was told he had three months left in his life. My son was with him and the shock was great.  Even though we knew how very sick he was over Christmas 2008, and that it would probably be his last Christmas, we still didn’t think it would be so soon. My son told me that on the journey home from hospital he said to his dad, ‘how will l live without you?’ and my husband put his hand on my son’s head and said, ‘son, you will find a way.’

l think of these words constantly and say we are all trying very hard to find our way.

We all dwelled on the news of how much time he had left for several days.  We were in shock and disbelief.   Finally my husband decided to inform his family members and make arrangements to visit them separately which he knew would be for the last time.

l recall going with him to see his sister who he cared about dearly and spending the weekend with the family. Many months after his death l went to stay with her and of course all our conversations were about him and one of things that came to light was even though he had phoned and told her of the bad news she didn’t realize that he had come to say goodbye and she was very very sad that she hadn’t said more. 

But who can tell after a loved one dies whether you’ve said everything you wanted to say. 

C

Would You Recognise Prostate Cancer?

Hello again

When my Husband was first diagnosed with Prostate Cancer I felt guilty for not knowing the symptoms but how would I have known? There was nothing happening to him out of the ordinary or so I thought.   My Husband was a very private person and this would have been difficult for him to speak about even with me. 

It was at a hospital appointment which I attended with him that questions were asked and answers given that I first heard about his symptoms.

Some of the symptoms of Prostate Cancer are:

Poor stream – The flow of urine is weaker and it takes longer to empty the bladder.

Hesitancy    -   You may have to wait at the toilet for a while before urine starts to flow.

Dribbling     - A bit more urine may trickle out and stain your underwear soon after you finish.

Frequency   - Passing urine more often than normal

Urgency      - The need to get to the toilet quickly

Poor emptying –The feeling of not quite emptying your bladder.

I have been informed that the above symptoms are very common and do not always mean that Prostate Cancer is involved, however it is best to get them checked by your doctor.

My husband was aware of all the symptoms hence his visit to the doctors but these symptoms had been happening for a very long time and not long before his death he did say to me how stupid it was of him not to have gone to his doctors much earlier but this is where I have to say how was he to know that these symptoms could possibly be signs of the final outcome.

So this is the question I am left with: why is there nothing out there in the general public that promotes knowledge and awareness of this horrible disease?

C

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEER MATS ON PROSTATE CANCER?

Hello

Have just read back my first piece of blogging just to get the flow of things and l now realize that my intentions of my last blog to be specific about events around my husband’s cancer may be too difficult for me at the moment. On writing my last piece l became very emotional even though l thought l was strong enough to do it so l have decided to explore cancer my generally .

l am still waiting for any progress on awareness for men on prostate cancer 2005 to 2013 l have not investigated statistics wildly on deaths of prostate cancer but within my community  family and friends there is a high rate. Back in 2005 l was informed that beer mats in public houses with information on the subject were out there circulating which l thought was maybe a start, there well maybe info but l don’t see it. As a woman there is much information around  breast cancer and it is well publicized.  l receive letters, phone calls when a smear test is due, likewise with mammogram for testing on breast cancer.

There is a test that can be done to give men a reading of their blood count relating to prostate cancer: you would need to speak with your doctor about this. l am going to end here and hopefully continue next week .

NYE Retreat 2012: Shining Your Light

Mindful that New Year's Eve 2012 was likely to be challenging, being my first New Year in recovery from addiction, I wanted to mark it in a special way. I was lucky enough to be awarded funding to go on a 3 day spiritual retreat at the beautiful Buckland Hall in South Wales.

In my difficult early days of recovery, back in February 2012, meditation and mindfulness had been extremely important to me but as the year went on I had let my spiritual practice lapse and I was anxious to re-connect with this. The retreat fulfilled all these objectives and more. It brought me into contact with like-minded people, and I was so happy that they wanted to know the real me-without alcohol or drugs clouding the picture.

The theme of the retreat was “Shining your Light”. On NYE afternoon we were asked to write a poem on this theme. Now I am someone who cringes at the mention of poetry, yet I was able to write a few heartfelt lines that seemed to move my friends on the retreat. I’d like to share this with Unheard Holler and it gives me great pleasure to be able to give something back to SHP who helped me get back on my feet in 2012.

The Light

I thought my light had been extinguished

By suffering, loss, betrayal and addiction

But all these things have only made it burn brighter

Brighter than a perfect Kylie pop song

Radiating wider than the ocean

Sparkling through my eyes

Attracting more light

Warming my skin like a balmy summer breeze

And touching those close to me

Rays of compassion and kindness

Forged in the furnace of fear and loathing

Transformed into hope and love

 
By Richard Kiddle

The Cycle of Birth and Death

A recent experience had me thinking about death, adulthood and birth. My friend’s father had died; in truth I had known him for over thirty years so he was also a friend. On the day my friend was cremated it was the 18^th birthday of my niece; I thought an adult is leaving this world and another one is joining the adult world in the U.K. (the age one does not need parental consent is 18 in England and Wales in Scotland it is 16).  

The “Smithy’s Anvil” in Gretna Green over the border from England into Scotland became famous, in the parents’ case infamous, for weddings of eloping loving couples escaping the English law and parental control. 

As my friends and I strolled down the drive in the Cemetery I noticed the Oak, Elm, Ash and other trees were turning from the green leaves of the summer to the gold, brown and yellow of the autumn indeed several had already lost many of their leaves and had a barren ghostly look in the fading autumn sun shown the thick nests of the Crows and Magpies high in the trees.  The leaves flicker and float to the ground letting the tree sleep during the cold long dark winter months just as many animals hibernate such as the bear, tortoise and the hedgehog do.

My thoughts wandered to the wonder of nature and how people today think recycling is a modern phenomenon when Mother Nature has been recycling and giving rebirth to fauna and flora since time immemorial. In the spring begins the rebirth and the birth of the new as the sun rises higher in the sky warming the earth as the days become longer the shoots of the rebirth begin. Buds appear on the barren skeletal arms of the trees, new shoots from bulbs begin to burst through the once frosted and snow covered turf. Birds begin to rebuild the old or build the new nests chirping happily and singing their songs of joy and love.

The Pagans celebrate the cycle of the year with Sabbats. The birth and re-birth of the earth is celebrated in March with the lesser sabbat, the festival of Ostara (circa March 21^st).

Many Christian festivals were “adopted”, (hijacked?), from the Pagan festivals. Look at the word Sabbat and think of a Christian day or the Christian Easter and the Pagan Ostara. 

The cycle of life continues, mostly ignored by us just as the process of breathing or the heart beating goes on without a conscious thought.

McTaggart

I’m an ex drug addict and I am now on methadone. My Nan passed away a year ago. I’m missing her so much, she has left a big hole in my heart, the pain is so much, I feel so sad and lonely. I wish I could just end my life. I cut my arms - the pain in my heart is so painful. That’s where all the blood comes in and out of my body and I feel if I cut myself that it would take the pain away. It works for a few days but I wish I did not do it but it makes me feel better. I also got diagnosed with depression and now I’m on antidepressants. I have also had thoughts in my head that aren’t mine - things like I’m fat and ugly, When I look in the mirror I see a fat ugly face staring back at me. It answers back: ‘look at you you fat ugly slag with a spastic face, you’re no good. Why don’t you just kill yourself? No one would miss you, no one would care, no one loves you not even your boyfriend, not any more. People pretend to care but they don’t. So this is why I’m cutting myself and I’m so sad and lonely and feeling like shit. I wish these thoughts would go away but oh no...they are here to stay. 

By Anna Marie Pollen age 37 years old