Life without methadone is so hard.
Well if I am totally true life without opiates is even worse. We're are not
talking about pain, that’s something else entirely. I am talking about the
feeling inside. The deep longing for something, a hurt, an emptiness, a longing
for something. It is the big gaping hole left behind when you
stop using drugs. It’s ugly, deep, and intimidating. You know your drug use
filled in the space with anger, fuzzy memories, and lies – but sometimes you
wish you could go back. Kind of an unhealthy security blanket. Standing on the
edge of the void, hoping I don’t fall in. Hoping I don’t jump in. What in the
world do you do to fill it up with the right stuff in your new life?
In drug
treatment I learned a lot about my addiction thinking. So many lies to myself
and others, so much distortion, so much negativity. When I stepped back and
really looked at the way I thought about things, I was amazed.
I did about 3
weeks in detox and I have to say it was easy a real positive mental attitude to
come off that green shit. Everything about it was nasty the thought, the taste.
It made me sick to my stomach and I can still taste the bloody stuff. Saying
that life without it is so very much harder. I am that young child again who fell
and hurt his knee then went cry to his mum to make it all better. Really wish
she could make it all better again. I really believe that detox starts after
you get off your drug. It’s what’s left over after that crutch has gone.
Someone should has told me about the hell that is to come.
I am unsure if this is a physical
addiction but I am a dependent not a user or so people tell me and it was
never my choice to take drugs. A medical addiction, it should be easy for you.
You never took heroin what’s the problem. When I try to explain about meth to
people nearly everyone thinks heroin first before they think why. This was all
given to me by the medical profession that’s what makes it worse. It was with
good intention but that’s not helping me now
I was so short sighted when my
doctor at the time suggested using methadone as pain killer. Fine I said let's go
for it. Every drug I have ever used I have researched, really checked it out.
Why did I not do it for methadone? I
think I really screwed myself up. Really bad choice. Out of all the pain
medication I have used in my life this by far the worse and I really wish I did
not decide to use it.
I live with an uncertain future I
have really screwed up so much in my life and I am unsure if I can put it all right.
Copyright ©
July 2013 Sean Fairbrother
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